"Help me God!"

I always enjoy reading Liz's old writings. It's neat to be reminded of her journey - mine too. This piece is especially funny for me. The reason? The exact thing Liz was praying for and not hearing from God about, yet expecting... Came exactly a year to the day later. God has an amazing sense of humor! Too bad she had moved on. God knew she would. We had a really good laugh over it.

Enjoy... Janel

CWP eLetter -- Lessons Worth Learning -- October 12, 2005

“Help me God! I want to be an agnostic.” This was my prayer not so long ago. What do you do when you reach the end of your rope and decide you would rather be an agnostic? What do you do when it looks like being a Christian isn’t getting you all the things you were hoping for?

I try to keep my emotional drama out of the work place but one day it was unavoidable. As I cried on my co-worker’s shoulder I told her, “Right now, I am so close to becoming an agnostic. I am just so tired of my prayers going unanswered.” I was slightly comforted to find out she has wanted to be an agnostic at times too.

I would make a terrible agnostic though. I have too many Scriptures lodged in my brain. Like, Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? I couldn’t get away from His presence and that was the terribly ironic thing for me during this ‘episode’. I knew He was everywhere but I couldn’t feel Him at all. I kept thinking of this verse even while angry tears streamed down my face.

To turn my back on God I would have to clear out shelves of books and CDs. I would have to find a new job. (I presently work in a church.) I would have no One or nothing to write about. I tried, but it was virtually impossible not to talk to God in my head. My only hope would be electric shock therapy and really, that’s not a viable option!

The aforementioned verse continues: If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139:8-10

You really can’t get away from Him once you give your life to him. Perhaps he meant it to be that way because at some point, maybe several times in our life, we will be asked to trust that He is there even if you can’t see or feel or hear him. This is where I have been for months. I’ve been utterly frustrated that I can’t get away from Him, but I can’t seem to find Him either.

He knows where I am and He knows where I want to be, but his silence is deafening. I want to hear from Him or see some action. I want answers or resolution to things I have been praying about. I guess they will come when it is time. Meanwhile, I have to trust what I can not see, believe what I can not feel and act on what I can not hear.

Just when I really started to think that God is no where around, Jennifer called the church office. A conversation followed that demonstrated God’s ironic sense of humor. Jennifer has some mental issues and has called before when her counselor was on vacation. Since it was a late summer afternoon, all our pastors where either on vacation or had left for the day. Then she said, “Well can I ask you then?”

For 20 minutes or more I counseled this confused woman. She had found a scripture which caused her to doubt she is saved, so she is terrified she is going to hell. I tried to drill into her head through repetition, the very things I was having a hard time accepting myself. I felt like I was eating my words with a shovel as I told her “Repeat after me: Jesus loves me and He has forgiven me of my sins and because I believe in Jesus I am going to heaven.”

Every time she said, “But what if…” I would make her repeat it again with me. When she said she didn’t ‘feel’ like she was saved, I inwardly thought, “God we’re playing chess and I think I just heard checkmate.” Ironically, the next words out of my mouth were, “Jennifer sometimes we don’t feel anything we just have to believe what we know. We may not feel or see or hear but we have to trust what God says in the Bible and believe it, even if we don’t feel anything.”

God knows that when we speak the truth something solidifies in our heads that makes the truth even more real. Eventually, the things we struggle to believe become something we either believe and defend or disregard as untrue. In arranging for me to answer Jennifer’s call, God forced me make a decision to believe the truth with my mouth and my head and my heart. For some reason speaking the truth to Jennifer made a huge difference.

We have to stand on promises that we can not see and sometimes we have to follow a God we can not hear. This is hard! The alternative is to give up believing, which really isn’t an alternative. It looks like an easy way out, but have you ever tried to flee from His presence?